Why knowing your patterns doesn't change how you feel
You can explain it perfectly. Over coffee, you tell a friend exactly why you say yes when you mean no, why you hand everyone else the last of your energy, where it all comes from. She nods. You both understand it completely.
That evening, you do it again.
If you've ever asked yourself why you repeat patterns you understand so well, I want you to know there's nothing wrong with you. I spent years able to name everything about my own patterns and still living them. What changed things wasn't more understanding. It was a way in that didn't start with words.
Why do I repeat patterns I understand?
Insight lives in the thinking mind. Patterns live somewhere else: in the body, in habits of breath and posture, in how quickly your shoulders rise when someone needs you.
Your nervous system learned those responses long before you could explain them, and it learned them for good reasons. They kept you connected, safe and useful. So when you understand a pattern but still repeat it, that isn't a failure of willpower. Your thinking has moved on, but your body hasn't had the chance to learn anything new yet.
This is why another book, podcast or breakthrough conversation can leave you feeling more frustrated, not less. You're adding knowledge to a part of you that doesn't run on knowledge.
Matrescence: the transition nobody names
For many of the women I work with, this gap between knowing and doing widens after becoming a mother.
There's a word for that passage: matrescence. The anthropologist Dana Raphael introduced it in the 1970s to describe the transition into motherhood, and psychologist Aurélie Athan at Teachers College, Columbia University has brought it back into use. Like adolescence, it's a whole-person transition: body, identity, relationships, purpose.
Naming it matters. Matrescence isn't a problem to fix or a sign you're doing it wrong. I see it as individuation: a descent and a becoming, including the dark nights, that is part of being human. You're not lost. You're in the cave.
Bottom-up before top-down
If patterns live in the body, it makes sense to start there.
Top-down approaches start with thinking: understand it, reframe it, decide to do differently. Bottom-up approaches start with sensation: notice what's happening in the body, let the nervous system settle, then let meaning come.
The philosopher and psychologist Eugene Gendlin gave us a useful phrase for this: the felt sense. It's the bodily, not-yet-in-words knowing of a situation, the tightness or heaviness or opening that comes before you can say what's wrong. Gendlin's practice, Focusing, is a way of pausing with that felt sense until it shifts.
It also helps to have simple nervous system language. Instead of "I'm being ridiculous", try "I'm activated". Instead of "I've checked out", try "I've shut down". These words describe a state, not a flaw, and states can change.
There's a whole field, psychoneuroimmunology, that studies the links between the mind, the nervous system and the immune system. I'm not making any health claims here. I mention it because it reminds me that the body isn't a vehicle for the mind. It's part of how we think and feel.
What helps a change land in the body
In my own life, and in The Cave, three things make the difference.
Experience first, meaning second. Start with a sensation, a colour or something in your hands. Let understanding follow.
Small, real choices. Not a new routine to keep up. One small action this week that comes from what you actually need, and then a look back at how it went.
Something to hold. Change is easier to trust when you can see it. In The Cave, each woman paints a colour-change artefact that responds to the warmth of her hands, and it stays with her long after we finish.
A 10-minute colour check-in
You can try the beginning of this today. You'll need ten minutes and a pen.
Arrive (2 minutes). Put your phone down. Place a hand on your chest or hold a warm mug. Take three slow breaths and notice where your body meets the chair.
Find your colour (4 minutes). Ask yourself: if how I feel right now were a colour, what would it be? There's no right answer and no fixed meaning. Notice its shade, its texture, where it sits in your body. Then ask: what colour would I like to move towards?
Name one need (4 minutes). What is that second colour asking for today? Write one sentence and one small action. Then do it.
I've recorded this as a free guided audio with a printable colour map. You can get the 10-Minute Colour Check-In here.
Frequently asked questions
What is matrescence? Matrescence is the physical, psychological and social transition into motherhood. Anthropologist Dana Raphael introduced the term in the 1970s, comparing it to adolescence.
Why do I know what I need but not do it? Knowing happens in the thinking mind, but habits and responses live in the body and nervous system. Changing them usually needs experience, not only insight: small, repeated, felt moments of doing something differently.
Is this the same as therapy? No. My work is creative self-inquiry and personal development, not therapy or treatment. If you're in crisis or need clinical support, please reach out to your GP or a qualified therapist, and I'm always happy to help you find the right support.
If you're ready to go deeper, The Cave is my 8-week, 1:1 journey back to yourself: hearing what you need, trusting it and acting on it, using the Colour That Moves™ method.
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